Free write

This is my free write for today, it's Tuesday and it's raining outside damn I can't help but use the back space and fix my mistakes. It's been a long time since I've done this and I feel shamed that I let my fears get the best of me, I stopped writing, I stopped journaling and I let the thinking barriers win. I don't care what my mother wants me to do I am not going to cona. If I want to do the GED I will and it will be on my own time. I'm scared to sit in a class room where I can't do as I please. I don't want to face the chalk board of green doom and write until I cannot write anymore. I miss Julia and she's something else I fear. Fear fear fear, what really is fear? Does it not only have power unless we give it power? So why do I let it rule my life? The goal exorcises was startling I never knew how badly things affected me by not doing what I want to do. I am making myself miserable but I too can make myself better. I can grow and change, I can set realistic goals and I need to put forth the effort. Damn it I went back and corrected myself again. This does feel good, to just sit and type away. I give this page my worries, my fears and my anger.

I give this page my mistakes and everything I've been hiding from. This page can have it all because I don't need it anymore, I need sweet release. I'm feeling hungry and I wounder what's for supper? I had a great meal for myself last night and yes I am happy I didn't have to share it with anyone else who might object. I love cooking it makes me feel free. I think I should look up a really good blueberry muffin recipe and buy some then make them. I'm dying for cookies but I know I need to stop eating junk. I also need to go back to Wal Mart to get more vegetables.

Maybe the one with rice tastes better. I didn't like the veggies and olive oil. I think I got one apple out of my bag of five which is sad, also I kind of forgot about them. I'm glad I found a new show I can enjoy and that I can continue watching someone I have most of my life. Some parts of me still wish I had gotten into acting, I remember watching interviews and getting every little bit of information I could when they gave advice. I know how to make it, I have all the tools I need and if I don't I have the tools to find them. I need to want things, I need to want a lot of things for myself and for no one else. I deserve to be happy and this is my life. Come hell or high water I will write my Novel even if I have to go through tons of heart ache and wrist pain to do it. I need to do this for me because while not doing it I'm causing so much more harm then I could ever imagine. Even though the reasons by number of why I want to write were small they were more profound and meaningful then the reasons why I'm not writing already.

Bewere Of Girl.

I got the rest of my story off my laptop so now I can put together what I had before and what I was writing the other night into one doctument. Is it normal to have a story tilte long before I even get into the meat of the thing?

Word count: 367

Total: 2137k

Wow, that's a lot more then I thought I had and that's pushing for ten pages.

Yesterday's Word Count:

Come hell or high water I'm going to write this idea that has been beating me over the head since at least february. Writing a little a day consistinatly no matter what will get me there. This story just will not leave me alone now matter what I start to write it still comes to me and pops up now and then.

The Word Count for June 29th 2009: 251 words.
Total: 250 words.

I can do this, yes I can.

Writing Log: Writing Vs Depression.

I feel like a kid pushing around her potato salad on a plate, no matter how much I adore potatoes I just can't bring myself to eat. It's the same way with writing right now. I love writing, everything about it and I don't care what it is, it makes me feel like I have a voice, a stronger one then my actual speaking voice and through this voice I have found myself. When the depression kicks in however I find myself blank on ideas, going towards that edge of writing something and never taking the plunge into the creative waters I know in my heart is where I belong, swimming merely along with the other writing spirits. I've been fully enjoying my writing course and doing tons of writing research but have been ignoring my novel, it's a great story at least I think so and it's starting to take shape in my mind but for the life of me I've been playing around my muse and letting my ideas get dusty inside my mind. I think this has to do with my depression, it sucks out your drive and leaves you feeling like there is no tomorrow which in a way should be true, you should really only look to today and make the best of it but in a world where your mind, hormones, and chemical imbalance make you feel like there is nothing but the dark to whisper into your ear and tell you all the bad things you have ever heard about yourself in your life is true, the voice that says your dreams will never come true. I have a hard time contorting my inner self, my thoughts and staying in touch with both my Muse and my Me. Sometimes I just feel like sleeping, sleeping for ever though my dreams have been nothing but odd other versions of my life which I make up in my mind.

I want the courage to move on from this point of seemingly no return, I want to feel the sun on my face, I want to go for long walks, I want to visit a beach and I want to feel inspired, feel driven and moved, feel the blood in my veins and my chest trying to cage my heart in before it explodes from beating to fast. I feel too much I am told, I feel too intensely and I feel without thinking things through. These are things I don't understand and feel I cannot help. What I think and what I feel may be two different things but for the most part I believe they are me and similar as possible, but in reality they are torn and apart. As much as the intensity seems to come out I want the feels to be real, I'm tired of fake friends, fake people, fake emotions and fake sympathy. I want to learn, I want to breath and I want to feel free from the doubt and darkness that hinders my being. I'm not sure really where to go or where to start but I think I know a lot more then I thought I did. My answers will come and as hard as it is I will stay some sort of positive in this life time of mine. There are many things I love, I found them and I see them every day. Love is more then a feeling it's a bond between you and the things that make life spacial. It's not just between one person and another it's the objects that make you feel comfortable like a blanket or an old chair you'd never be able to climb out of on a lazy day no matter how much you tired. Music is love for me, so are books, so is food, air and me. I am love and I am also the love I need. I need me more then anything or anyone else in the world because if there was no me then that would be in end. I think that scares me more then I ever knew before because finally I didn't care about me but now that I do? I'm terrified of life and of death at the same time so here I am standing still.

Web Log.

I've come over to the dark side and created a blog. *looks around* Well isn't this quaint.