Screaming, I live in a world where screaming is an acceptable way of communicating, it's always been this way my entire life and without it I'm really not sure how people are normally supposed to talk to each other, maybe that's why most of the time I choose not to. Sometimes I feel that those around me scream and fight because it's the only thing they know how to do, it feels like people thrive of conflict and cannot live without starting unnecessary drama. It's hard living with someone that has brain damage and I wish people would understand I don't say this as a joke or because I dislike my Step-Thing, he was honestly was discharged from the Army because of his head injury. It's hard to deal with a grown man who figuratively jumps up and down and acts like a two year old, everything has to work on his schedule or not at all. He doesn't take care of himself and thinks everyone else has the problem where he is perfectly fine.
No one has ever sat me down and properly talked with me about it and when I go for counseling most of them have just written that it's a figurative head injury and I'm making it up. I know there are assholes out there but this pushes beyond that, and it puts me in the position to think that all adults are supposed to treat each other like mass shit. My Mother just makes excuses and takes care of him without taking care of herself, she's just as neuritic as he is these days, she's a sad and broken woman. I don't remember the last time I saw her truly happy.
I hope my twisted perception of relationship and love doesn't fuck up what I have, I'd be heart broken if I ever acted that way, with such malice towards the ones I love the most. I guess everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and the key would be knowing right form wrong where others do not. Fear plays a big part in my life, it always has. Not just phobias but fears of life, death, failure and success. I feel like my life is standing still and the world is spinning around me, here I am just drifting by. There are three minutes left on my clock, I didn't know where this would go and it's sad how the bad things have to come out when the good goes unwritten and ignored. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be? We keep the good for ourselves and reflect the bad outward? I'm not sure but it seems that way to me. I don't want perfection in my life but communication without so much anger. When I'm around anger and negativity it always make me either want to scream or revert to a child and cry my eyes out. For once I'd love to just be able to breath and walk away with my dignity in tact. Boy do I every try my best.
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I'm guilty of yelling when I'm frustrated, or excited, or having an anxiety attack where people just keep pushing. The thing is, it's not malicious. It's a very natural expression of feeling like I'm going to burst from either the frustration, the excitement, or the anxiety. And it takes great effort to control.
ReplyDeleteThat said, my best friend seems to perceive the loudness (especially the frustrated loudness) as angry and/or malicious. So I've had to learn to control it, to some degree. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.
Your situation doesn't sound fun. I hope it improves. I'd offer one piece of advice, though: Don't only reflect the bad outward. Some people will treat you badly, no matter what. Others will treat you well, no matter what. But for still others, those who tend to be reciprocal in their actions, you might want to send out some positive vibes, too. ;)
It's odd I've always been between this very quite and extremely loud person, maybe my hearing isn't the greatest or it's just some sort of natural thing, but I know where you are coming from with it.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I read that last part I sent a text to the GF to randomly tell her how awesome she is. You make a very good point,
I do need to work on being more positive instead of just stopping the negativity,
I have to wrangle both at the same time.
More good vibeiness never hurt anyone.
Thanks for the comment. :)