I'm never sure what to do when the dark mood kicks in it's not like there is some switch that I can just flick to change my mood. When things just seem so meek nothing that I love can possibly make me feel better, sometimes it's best to just sleep it off or wait it out and see how I eventually feel but sitting around with this weight pulling me down isn't very satisfying at all. I hate that my depression and physical pain stop me from doing the things I want to do and no one seems to understand why my dark moods are so crippling and hard to change. I could sing, I could dance, I can watch all my favorite shows, read a book. But when I have this feeling none of my efforts matter, it has to pass on it's own. I've also never know why the dark happens, it's just a part of me that I have to grit my teeth and bare. I know I have So many wonderful things in my life that make it worth pushing through every day, but this feeling I get despite all of it and my efforts, the dark still rears it's ugly head. It's been a few days this time and I wish I could do something to make it go away but I just feel so helpless. I love and am loved, I have so many things in my life that other's would go to great lengths for, I've experienced some of the most exciting things I thought were only manageable in my dreams, still, still I fight the dark.

If mental health weren't such a huge joke then maybe someone here would understand, someone would relate. I tell myself it will be okay but that's just not powerful enough to shift the dark. It's like someone came into the house and cut off all the electricity and there you are sitting scared in the dark without a light, the cold creeps up your back and your heart beats double time, there is only black. I wish I knew what this was instead of some ominous storm cloud that rolls in and takes over my body and mind when I'm not paying attention. If asked what's wrong I don't have answers besides it's just the way I am sometimes, my ugly mood. I've lived with this for so many years it just feels like a part of me, but I know it's more like a huge splinter under my skin that's infecting my system and I am hopelessly trying to extract it from my person.

I've always thought that smart people are cursed, the ones who want to create something outside of themselves instead of being the consumer. It's the downside to our little bit of brilliance, Artists, Musicians, Authors/Writers, Film Makers, Chiefs/Bakers and anything else that could link to some sort of creativity. These things have to be plagued by some form of madness or another, even in the very slightest way. It's like the tax for the things that we do, I'm not sure why but it just seems that their has to be some sort of tax for doing the things that make us happiest. I also believe that people in general are totally bonkers but it's the knowledge and use of this that separate us all. A little writing brings a little clarity if only for a little while so I will hang onto this moment while I have it and hope the rest of the fog rolls out, and soon.