Albatross

I'm not sure when it happens but there are times when I stop and my depression begins, sometimes when the dark days take over it's hard to see past the end of my nose, especially during the winter months, it becomes a time of just doing everything I can to see another day. It's easy to forget who I am and how hard I have fought to be here. I also get easily lost when my body is mostly pain and I can't write the way I want to, or do much of anything that I would like to do. For the most part I work through the pain regardless of how I feel because if I didn't then, well there would be nothing and I'm not okay with nothing. I've convinced myself that I'm not meant to be around other people because of the patterns of behaviour that don't seem to change no matter what angle I come at it from, it always ends up the same way with hurt and pain. I have one friend that I can pick up the phone and call but I know I will never get the comfort I seek, so I can't keep setting myself up for disappointment. I've also had a hard time finding what I need from myself, which leaves me torn.