Bad Infulence

Madness (Winter's Song)

2012-01-23T02:55:00.002-03:30

A great madness compels me from the inside to be more than I am, the trouble is what am I? Not such a simple question for I am woman and I am also man, I am music, I am taste, I am fashion, I am all,

and I am nothing at the same time.

I sit in darkness and pull out my hair from it's greying roots, it stings just briefly, I cannot suppress my inner urges, trying is a useless endeavour.

Winter sweeps the ground outside my door, yet the bitter cold still sits with me all year long. I look upon the glistening blanket under the vast expanse of sky is it up or am I down?

Through my pane it sings to me, beckons me to run upon it's frosty blankets wearing nothing more than my pride. Lay down it says, and I shall look upon the stars before I sleep, but only for a while.

I can smell the pine of the evergreen as the deep chill sets into my spinal column. I imagine that with this bitterness that if I wept, it would no doubt freeze to my paled frost-bite threatened cheeks.

Such stillness, surrounding me, the only thing that moves is the shallow rise and fall of my chest as I breath, in than out and in again.

Nature knows no bounds, and I am of it, we are as one, there is no tomorrow there is only now. Madness knows no bound.

The Unrelenting Urge

2012-01-14T00:11:00.003-03:30

It amazes me to realize that not everyone has the urge to creative something of your own (other then pro-creation that's another topic entirely.) be it art, theatre, film, music, food, many types of writing, the possibility are endless, and only ever bound by your own mind, where the sky is never the limit. To me this comes from somewhere deep inside of me, some place I can't really explain. I can however go there and tap into it when I need, it doesn't always workout for me, which leaves me painfully frustrated but the never ending need is there and can be quenched if only temporally.

I do my best to feed this need even-though this need isn't always co-operative. I would like for once to finish an original piece of some sort and be able to print it off and wave it around so I can jump up and down and say look here, look what I did! I've always had this feeling like something, something big has been waiting to burst out of me and I have been on this struggling journey to pin point exactly what it is I've been looking for, I have so many times come away empty handed over the years but I am still trying, I've never fully pegged out. I will be twenty-six soon and I still haven't found it but it's so close I can taste it, this prospect excites me.

I'd love to bring down the lightning and finally come face to face with this presence that's always been lingering with me, just sitting inside, playing hide and seek, and it's been laughing at me for so very long. I want to do everything in my power to drive it out for once and for all. There has to be a key, there has to be something that I've been overlooking, something to drive the beast inside of me out into the open so I can capture it in all it's glory. Listen here muse I want to be the one in command, no more shall you slip away on me and hide inside the pages of my mind, no more will you mock me from the depths of my soul. I will find you and find you soon, as the internet as my witness you are no longer safe and sound.

-Blake. H.

Tesla wrote a poem.

2012-01-04T13:33:00.005-03:30

“With every breath your bosom heaves I wish it were for me,
For I've loved you more than you can ever know, and will eternally.
Not king, nor countryman, not even best at show, but I am the genius
who brought the light to glow, still it's not good enough
without the taking of your hand. You've broken my heart a thousand times shattered it in three, you've bloody well made me write poor mans poetry! From afar I admire thee, fight at your side instead,
though I forever I will hold the not so secret lust to fall with you upon the bed.

P.S. I hope you never read this, I do enjoy both heads.”

Albatross

2012-01-04T11:37:00.002-03:30

I'm not sure when it happens but there are times when I stop and my depression begins, sometimes when the dark days take over it's hard to see past the end of my nose, especially during the winter months, it becomes a time of just doing everything I can to see another day. It's easy to forget who I am and how hard I have fought to be here. I also get easily lost when my body is mostly pain and I can't write the way I want to, or do much of anything that I would like to do. For the most part I work through the pain regardless of how I feel because if I didn't then, well there would be nothing and I'm not okay with nothing. I've convinced myself that I'm not meant to be around other people because of the patterns of behaviour that don't seem to change no matter what angle I come at it from, it always ends up the same way with hurt and pain. I have one friend that I can pick up the phone and call but I know I will never get the comfort I seek, so I can't keep setting myself up for disappointment. I've also had a hard time finding what I need from myself, which leaves me torn.

Small sample of new story

2011-04-05T15:33:00.002-02:30

“I'm telling you Buffy, I've never seen or head of a demon like this before and I couldn't find him in any of the books, it's like he just fizzled out of nowhere. We hit him with all we had fire, magic stakes, cross bows, one of the witches got so pissed she hit him with an entire dumpster, then he got back up. I'm not sure what kind of demon could be capable of so much resistance, it just left the girls beaten and frustrated. If we don't get any answers soon we are in big trouble...”

“Take a deep breath Will, the plane is going to land in a few hours and we'll deal with it like we do with everything else, no one can stay invincible for long, the mayor tried that one remember?”

“That was a long time ago Buffy the magics in the world have changed and so have the powers of evil, we're in the dark here facing a huge risk to everything we have worked so hard to re-build, we've already lost so many friends along the way I can't bear to lose anyone else.”

“Hey! Stop the wigging out right now! Look you are the most powerful woman in the free world, have a little more faith in that okay? Nothing is going to fuck with New Sunnydale, our families are safe. Trust in the protections you have placed around the village, and that our Witches and Slayers can figure it out, we've faced a lot of shit in the last fifteen years I'm not about to throw in the towel now, besides I've tired that and there is no out.”

There was a knock on the bathroom door with that Willow's worried face had vanished from the mirror
leaving the tiny lavatory just that. Buffy took a deep breath and fixed her hair before coming out.

“You must return to your seat miss, we are preparing for landing.” There really wasn't a need for conventional travel anymore but it gave her time to think and time to get the sleep she had so desperately needed.

Buffy rolled her eyes at the tone the stewardess chose to take with her. “You know bossy isn't going to get you very far in life, I've tired that and failed miserably.” She shook her head then slipped back into her seat beside Faith to buckle up. A loving hand was placed over her own giving it a squeeze.

“That bad huh B?” Faith tried to coax Buffy into talking, sometimes it worked, sometimes she got nothing, it's just the way they were as of late, something Faith couldn't figure out but now wasn't exactly the right time or place for relationship issues.

Buffy had already been lost in thought. “Huh? The new demon, right. Well not so much I think Willow is overeating, it's the stewardess who got on my nerves the most, It's really hard not to give civies a piece of my mind, I'm so used to just ripping into the people around me with a huge piece of my mind and not giving it a second thought, but when we are out in public like this it's different...”

“Hey,” Faith gently pulled her girlfriend closer to her wrapping an arm around her, she cupped Buffy's face giving her a soothing kiss. “After we get rid of whatever the hell this demon is, we'll take a nice trip together alright? You said you've been dying to go to the beach so we'll rent a house and do the whole thing alright?” And maybe they could salvage their relationship at the same time, their anniversary was just around the corner, Faith had been worried if they'd even see the next one.

****

My fucked up trip to Canada.

2011-01-29T09:44:00.001-03:30

What a huge cluster fuck, flight delay made me miss my connection in Halifax so they sent me to Montreal, where I had a panic episode and they decided to call first response and the ambulance, I didn't go with them but they give me oxygen because I was pale as fuck and breathing fast, I'm an emotional mess and started my monthly, I tried to explain that's prob why I am so upset and pale. Wouldn't listen and let me go until they checked me out and my pulse slowed down. So I missed my flight to St.John's and they put me in a hotel for the night and now I am waiting for my flight to Halifax because they have no direct to St.John's on Saturdays. Oh and my plane is at fucking 4pm in Halifax so I have no idea when that means I'll be in St.John's. SURPRISINGLY PEOPLE IN MONTREAL ARE NICE??? When the fuck did that happen?? Nicer than Toronto by a long shot. o.O I can't make fun of the french too much anymore.

My flight to Halifax should be boarding at 8:30 I looked online and it's about 50mins
Going to be a long day in Halifax if my flight is booked for 1600 which is 4pm!!! Maybe I can sleep? Either that or write.

Random note: I understood what the guy was talking about this morning when he was yammering in french, it wasn't really the french I understood but the situation, I guess. He asked me if I was alone because there was supposed to be another person coming then he took my bags put them in the van and told me to go sit down. I tried telling him English and he told me again. lol.

There's a cat and a claw...no wait!

2010-04-23T05:50:00.005-02:30

Unlike sitting down to the squeal of a movie (That most likely shouldn't have even had a first installment.) when you sit down under a bright light and crack the pages of the second part in a book series (or in this case trilogy) excitement starts to boil in your veins, as you settle in to be taken on a near magical journey. You are greeted by the main character you fell in love with within the first paragraph of the first book, eagerly picking up the key to unlock the mystery of what he/she will do next, watching for which secondary characters will be involved to spice things up. When I sat down to read Cat's Claw, Amber Benson's sequel to the Calliope Reaper- Jones novel Death's Daughter, I knew I was in for a thrilling adventure. The second book starts us off much like the last with Calliope at home in the heart of busy New York City wishing her life was normal. Unfortunately for her an unexpected visitor quickly reminds Calliope she will never have the normal life she so desperately wants, when your Death's Daughter there are no breaks.

From here we swirl into our main storyline, this book walks us back through the unforgiving sauna that is Hell to face off with the gate keeper Cerberus, who Calliope owes a favor. Cerberus sends Callie on a suspected wild goose chase to find an ancient Egyptian that has gone missing. With a timer in hand rudely flashing numbers at her she must find the man before it runs out or she will have to return her beloved hell hound puppy Runt, whom Callie and her sister adopted in the previous book. The search for the Egyptian man takes us through many different and very surprising locations such as Purgatory, a popular department store, The Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas as well as ancient Egypt. During the ride we are met with familiar faces, as well as the very same amount of laugh out loud moments as the first novel.

Our leading lady acknowledges her flaws, grew and changed during the course of her mission, (and still had time left over for shopping.) which takes us into the next arch to set up the third novel. I read this book in one sitting. I recommend Cat's Claw to any urban fantasy/fantasy/science fiction fans, and geeks alike. Also to anyone else who likes a little dry humor and good giggle along the way. As as side note: this book contains a lot of shopping savvy lingo, seeing as I am not that kind of girl I had to look some points up in order to better understand what the leading character was obsessing over. The big disappointment for me was that the third book doesn't come out until next year. It takes real guts to venture from acting, writing scripts and co-written work into the unknown trails of a solo novel series. Amber Benson makes the transition nicely and doesn't show any signs that this will be her last cake walk.

Was that lightning?

2010-04-21T04:22:00.000-02:30

Taken from my post at the How To Think Sideways forum:

Because it felt more like the muse was using me like a Ouija board last night while I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep. Now before I get into what happened I want to mention an event a few hours beforehand, because I think this is relevant. I had taken a sheet of loose leaf and wrote the name of something that's been bothering me for a really long time, then wrote out how I felt about it. After both sides of the paper were covered in bright red ink I tore up the sheet of paper into tiny bits and shoved it in a garbage bag.

So last night while I was trying to sleep, (it was late, very late, four am late, Hey muse how about giving me ideas other then between the hours of 12am-4am? huh?...huh?) and all of a sudden all of these details fill my head, some based of a very vague old idea that I had, that was also part a dream. All of this was so screaming loud that I had to get up and start writing things down or there was no way I was going to sleep. Seven very confusing, detailed pages (that look like the start of either a mess or an outline) later I finally closed the book stopped writing then slipped into a sweet coma. (Not easy for someone who has a hate-hate relationship with sleep.)

Something tells me this was the result of clearing out one small section of my mind in order to let in this wonderful bunch of new information come in. What I'm going to do with it all is another question all together, my me is telling me I'm not ready for world building but the muse? She just hit me over the head like a stealth assassin. Making the choice to start picking through it and asking questions is the next big leap, I know this. (Hey fear? Kiss my grits for once, um please?) And if I don't end up liking any of it I can clear out another part of my mind and try again. I think however I am going to do more red ink writing and ripping it was very therapeutic and oddly seemed to be the key I was missing.

2010-04-20T19:58:00.005-02:30

I'm never sure what to do when the dark mood kicks in it's not like there is some switch that I can just flick to change my mood. When things just seem so meek nothing that I love can possibly make me feel better, sometimes it's best to just sleep it off or wait it out and see how I eventually feel but sitting around with this weight pulling me down isn't very satisfying at all. I hate that my depression and physical pain stop me from doing the things I want to do and no one seems to understand why my dark moods are so crippling and hard to change. I could sing, I could dance, I can watch all my favorite shows, read a book. But when I have this feeling none of my efforts matter, it has to pass on it's own. I've also never know why the dark happens, it's just a part of me that I have to grit my teeth and bare. I know I have So many wonderful things in my life that make it worth pushing through every day, but this feeling I get despite all of it and my efforts, the dark still rears it's ugly head. It's been a few days this time and I wish I could do something to make it go away but I just feel so helpless. I love and am loved, I have so many things in my life that other's would go to great lengths for, I've experienced some of the most exciting things I thought were only manageable in my dreams, still, still I fight the dark.

If mental health weren't such a huge joke then maybe someone here would understand, someone would relate. I tell myself it will be okay but that's just not powerful enough to shift the dark. It's like someone came into the house and cut off all the electricity and there you are sitting scared in the dark without a light, the cold creeps up your back and your heart beats double time, there is only black. I wish I knew what this was instead of some ominous storm cloud that rolls in and takes over my body and mind when I'm not paying attention. If asked what's wrong I don't have answers besides it's just the way I am sometimes, my ugly mood. I've lived with this for so many years it just feels like a part of me, but I know it's more like a huge splinter under my skin that's infecting my system and I am hopelessly trying to extract it from my person.

I've always thought that smart people are cursed, the ones who want to create something outside of themselves instead of being the consumer. It's the downside to our little bit of brilliance, Artists, Musicians, Authors/Writers, Film Makers, Chiefs/Bakers and anything else that could link to some sort of creativity. These things have to be plagued by some form of madness or another, even in the very slightest way. It's like the tax for the things that we do, I'm not sure why but it just seems that their has to be some sort of tax for doing the things that make us happiest. I also believe that people in general are totally bonkers but it's the knowledge and use of this that separate us all. A little writing brings a little clarity if only for a little while so I will hang onto this moment while I have it and hope the rest of the fog rolls out, and soon.

Blood Rane

2010-03-30T21:13:00.000-02:30

Demetrius Rane perched on the ledge of the balcony that stood almost sixty feet above the ground; He was clad in his finest black attire and his prised black cape that he had acquired on a trip to France. His long dark hair softly moved with the midnight breeze. The moon shone bright but he remained sheltered by the shadows that hung from the stone building. It had been countless nights since he had been away from home, held captive in his home by the man he grew to know as his father. Held against his will Demetrius was tested and prodded at as if he were a lab rat. Night after night but tonight was different. There was something in these hours of darkness that told him to go in search of that which he had long been exiled from.
Tonight he would hunt for the first time in what had felt like an eternity. He stood and leaped from the ledge and landed gracefully on the roof below making sure to stay within the protection of the shadows he then leaped off the second rooftop into an alleyway. His piercing ice-blue eyes peered out from the alleyway observing the street to see if anyone was around satisfied that there was no one he pulled up his hood and made his way down the ally into the nearby tavern.
Inside the tavern was filled with the perfume of mortals and the scent of liquor hung thickly in the air, he made his way over to the end of the bar and sat there in the dark. Once the bartender noticed him he ordered a drink and brought it to a table in the back.
It felt good to be out and not confined by the walls of the manor. He observed the people that were in the room lots of men and very few women. He wondered why he came to places like this he did not need to consume liquor to feel different but there was some part of him that wanted to be among these people and partake in there ways.
Demetrius thoughts were then disrupted by the sound of shouting men near the tavern door. There were three men surrounding a woman, taunting her and pulling at her ragged clothes. The woman looked as though she had been hauled through the mud. Her long blond hair was greasy and matted, her face was oily and mud filled, her arms were filled with scrapes. But underneath that she had very pretty eyes, which at the time were filled with fear.

Demetrius felt bad for the girl so he decided to help her out. He got up from his seat and quickly jumped onto the bar top then onto one of the men. With one punch the man was knocked out cold. A second man pulled Demetrius off his friend and tried to attack him with a blade. Demetrius swiftly kicked the man in his stomach and hurled him into a wall.
The last man looked at Demetrius and with a look of shock on his face the man ran for the doorway. Demetrius grabbed the girl and pushed the two of them out the tavern door and into the ally. The two were safe in the ally and had not been followed. The girl had tripped when Demetrius pushed through the doors of the tavern. She seemed to be unconscious. Demetrius then picked up the girl and brought her to his home.

The mansion was large and very old looking. The hallways were long; the rooms were wide and filled with art and sculptures from all over the world. The rooms were dimly lit by candlelight while others were not lit at all. Demetrius carried the woman up the steel steeps and into the guest room where he cleaned the dirt from her face. Demetrius then gave the woman some water that had a tranquilizer mixed into it so she would stay asleep. He ran his hand down the side of her face and down to her neck then outlined her chest with his fingers. He then cut into her chest with one of his nails just enough to draw some blood.

The scent of her blood was strong and sweet to him, he could no longer hold back. This being his first taste of blood in so long. His fangs dropped as he leaned down to her chest, he licked the dripping blood and then sunk his teeth into her flesh. Demetrius could feel the energy pour into him with every drop of blood, this is the moment he had been waiting for. He finished drinking from the woman and slid the body down the garbage shaft the same way he had been taught. He knew his next feed had to be more of a challenge, which would make up for his easy catch that night.

Demetrius cleaned up and then went to his room. The room was practically empty and dark except for the light that shone on a huge metal casket that stood near the back wall of the room and bore the family Symbol. It was larger and deeper then the average casket but it maintained its shape and coloured lining. Once inside Demetrius slept for what he thought was the rest of the night until he was disrupted. From his casket he could hear someone enter his room and call his name.

“Demetrius! How can you be sleeping at a time like this? Wake up you lazy bastard, the night is still young and we’re not going to get any action sleeping all night.”

Demetrius knew oh to well the shrill voice his brother made when he wanted them to go out together. They never shared parents but the two had adopted each other at a young age, they were both on the streets and later found they shared the same blood lust. Demetrius got out of his coffin and grabbed Gavin by his shirt.
“Why must you pester me while I'm sleeping? Besides I've already been out tonight.” He let Gavin go.

“Oh? Out without me again I see, your first night out in months and you don't even invite your own brother well I know when I'm not wanted.” Gavin pouted and turned to leave the room.

“Fine we will go out again but I'm going to lead, last time we almost imprisoned for starting a fighting.

The two made their way from the mansion and out into what was left of the night. There was not many people around but Demetrius knew of a place where they could find a good time, so he lead Gavin toward the older part of the town to a large house. The house looked condemned and not lived in for many years. They went around back to a door that leads to the basement.
Demetrius lifted the wooded door and lead his brother down the stairs and into a dark room where another door, this one was locked. Gavin had an idea of where they were so he looked around the room until he found an old blade under some rubble. Gavin then cut his wrist and then knocked on the door. The door opened slightly and a woman appeared wearing a very short shirt and a just about see through black shirt. Gavin held out his arm and the woman grabbed at it and tasted some of his blood. Then she opened the door and let the two enter. The woman led them into a large room, there were people everywhere drinking each other’s blood, some people were making out and others were moving to the music.

Demetrius caught the attention of a girl that was in the back of the room; she pushed her girlfriend aside and walked over to him. She started to dance in a circle around him; she stroked his long hair and then led him out of the room toward the back.
Gavin had also attracted some attention of his own and was quickly pushed onto a couch. The music was pumping and his heart was racing as the girl motioned for him to bit at her neck. He hoped his brother was going to be busy for a while so he could have some fun. He felt down the girl's shirt and the moved his hand around her breast as he sucked on her neck and at the perfect moment he bit into her and started to drink her blood.
Demetrius and the woman walked into the darkness of the back room away from all the others, they could still hear the music but this was a more private spot. The room was small and had a bed at the back wall, the woman lead him over to the bed and slowly removed her clothes and moved her body to the music, she motioned for him to join her on the bed. He removed his shirt and climbed onto the bed, the woman ran her fingers down his hard muscular body and bit at his stomach. She slowly moved her hands up to his shoulders and rubbed them while he moved his hands around and felt down her back. Then bit at her neck and started to drink her blood. He had not felt this good in along time and it defiantly made up for his easy kill earlier that night.
This was one of those times Demetrius could unleash the beast within himself with out having to hide his true nature. His Muscles grew and ripped through his shirt as he sat on top of the woman, his eyes rolled back into his head, his hands grew longer and his back arched slightly his hair grew longer and meet the end of his back, his fangs fell from his mouth and his ears grew pointed. The woman let out a scream but he knew no one would hear her because the basement was once bomb shelter. He bore into the woman with his claws and finished her off, then steeped back to observe his kill.

Control

2010-03-30T21:12:00.001-02:30

And the voices inside my head
Will taunt me until I’m dead
Forever Imprisoned within myself
Beyond the reach of help
Unforgiven soul
I have lost control.

Blasting music in my ears
Drowned in sorrow
Painted tears
Stored frustration inside of me
Haunting nightmares cling to me
Downward spiral Falling fast
Loss of senses weekend grasp
How much longer will this last
Cant hold onto what I know
I have lost control

Anger with frustration swallow motivation
Watch night transform to day
Then Slowly slip away
Hollow eyes grow week and dim
Let the embrace of sleep begin
To hush the fight that storms within.

And the voices inside my head
Will taunt me until I’m dead
Forever Imprisoned within myself
Beyond the reach of help
Unforgiving soul
I have lost control.

Divine

2010-03-30T21:08:00.000-02:30

What's this feeling inside here this thing that's not permitted, just hides there
Sailed through life not allowed to have a slice of some silly infatuation
Not looking for mind masturbation, something real,
something to hold strong to
They say good things come to those who wait but tell that to my insides
and the heart that's known nothing but the shatter before the bitter sweet break.

I'd say you have better things to do than spin around in my head
Distracting my conscious, obstructing my view,
hell I can't lie and say it's not a pleasant little side trip
Maybe it would be better if you stepped though my imagination and took my hand instead? We can be scared shitless together, wrapped in our own disillusionment.

I'm crazy and moody, controlling and needy
I foam at the mouth and am overly clingy
Leaning to be positive, optimistic, patient, less greedy.

Perfection is fiction
Sin is Divine
Flaws are beautiful
Someday, just maybe you'll say you are mine.

2010-03-30T21:04:00.000-02:30

Here we are again me alone once more
It seems I can't find the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.
I've cried a thousand times I still don't know how to find what it is
I'm looking for not sure I ever knew before.

I drive down that road again watching yellow lines pass me by
Along the worn out pavement I feel just as trampled on as it.
I've traded gold for pot holes that will never be filled in.

This can't be all this can't be it the emptiness can't pass for bliss
Oh I just might be going crazy, slowly going crazy.
I'm strong on the outside and jelly within, let you break me down
that's become my sin so stop haunting me, why do I let you win?

My mind does the crime and my heart does the time
I just might be going crazy, slowly going crazy.
How do I dig myself out of this one this round?
Why do I treat me like this?

Just love me

2010-03-30T21:03:00.002-02:30

The days all blend together and I wounder where I've been,
right next door to nowhere honey and this last candle's light is growing dim.

May I bother you for some shelter cause the wind just ain't my friend,
dirt stained shirt saves my last supper like a trophy no one wins.

I've been told a storm is coming from far across town,
and I'll take a glass of water because this is tough to swallow down

Lay my head on your shoulder where I can't feel a thing,
smell your sweet aroma fill my soul, it makes me want to sing.

I'm just looking for meaning to a life I could never win,
so whisper sweet into my ear tell me you love me still, even if I'm hollow

You make these dark eyes shine, now and always you'll be mine
even if it's not meant to be now or ever again, just love me for a while.

Just love me for a while..

4 Am

2010-03-30T20:53:00.000-02:30

Thank you Mister four am you've hugged me once again
Missed the train to sleepy town baggy eyes on board
Numb the senseless pilot of night's not nearing end
Sun shakes her sleepy head just around the corner now
Rise! Another monotonous day can't fight the axis spin.
She whispers cruel lies to me in bitter winters deep.

Oh how I long for comforts unknown my soul
no rest it keeps. Something, somewhere lost beyond my means
It left me here incomplete.

Ten minuite free write.

2010-03-27T14:07:00.001-02:30

Screaming, I live in a world where screaming is an acceptable way of communicating, it's always been this way my entire life and without it I'm really not sure how people are normally supposed to talk to each other, maybe that's why most of the time I choose not to. Sometimes I feel that those around me scream and fight because it's the only thing they know how to do, it feels like people thrive of conflict and cannot live without starting unnecessary drama. It's hard living with someone that has brain damage and I wish people would understand I don't say this as a joke or because I dislike my Step-Thing, he was honestly was discharged from the Army because of his head injury. It's hard to deal with a grown man who figuratively jumps up and down and acts like a two year old, everything has to work on his schedule or not at all. He doesn't take care of himself and thinks everyone else has the problem where he is perfectly fine.

No one has ever sat me down and properly talked with me about it and when I go for counseling most of them have just written that it's a figurative head injury and I'm making it up. I know there are assholes out there but this pushes beyond that, and it puts me in the position to think that all adults are supposed to treat each other like mass shit. My Mother just makes excuses and takes care of him without taking care of herself, she's just as neuritic as he is these days, she's a sad and broken woman. I don't remember the last time I saw her truly happy.

I hope my twisted perception of relationship and love doesn't fuck up what I have, I'd be heart broken if I ever acted that way, with such malice towards the ones I love the most. I guess everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and the key would be knowing right form wrong where others do not. Fear plays a big part in my life, it always has. Not just phobias but fears of life, death, failure and success. I feel like my life is standing still and the world is spinning around me, here I am just drifting by. There are three minutes left on my clock, I didn't know where this would go and it's sad how the bad things have to come out when the good goes unwritten and ignored. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be? We keep the good for ourselves and reflect the bad outward? I'm not sure but it seems that way to me. I don't want perfection in my life but communication without so much anger. When I'm around anger and negativity it always make me either want to scream or revert to a child and cry my eyes out. For once I'd love to just be able to breath and walk away with my dignity in tact. Boy do I every try my best.

You're A Quitter

2010-03-24T17:57:00.003-02:30

Brownies
Girl Guides
Sparks
Swimming Lessons
Ballet
Church
Cadets
Soccer (a few times)
Tae Kwon Do
Kung Fu
Karate
High School (twice)
Hockey Team
Wrestling Team
Convergys
Drama club
Choir
Writing a novel
How to think sideways course
Journal Writing
Wanting to be an actor
Wanting to be a singer
Movie Dome job
living away
living on my own
Making new friends

The list goes on...

I've gone through life so far with a huge pile of in-completes on my list. Things that I have quit and things that I have missed out on because I didn't think I was good enough to try, or I was just too scared to try for myself. Beings SAFE has been my number one tool for too long, and what I have never realized that it was doing me so much harm. If I'm not writing there's a huge hole inside of me that can't be filled by anything else, if I don't sing during the day I get cranky and not realize it. If I don't get off my ass and exercise, my ass becomes unhealthy, in not so nice ways. Safety is a big huge illusion, hell it's even a marketing device! “Don't have our shiny new security system? Who will save your family from a fire? Send us money NOW!” It's called an exit plan, or deadbolt locks. There's that swell invention, the telephone that lets you dial for 911 or the number for the police station if it's not available in your area. It's a lot cheaper than a security system (I'm in one of those bizarre rural towns were you can't dial 911 for an emergency.)

I've lived in fear for way to long and right now I am choosing to no longer cling into the idea of safety in my every day life. The best thing I ever did was get on a plane out of my country for the very first time, I wound up in love and surrounded by great new friends. Doesn't sound very safe now does it? Nope, but I don't regret that for a bit or working through a long distance relationship in the separation months. And part of the fat bonus of my return is that not all of it will be so new and scary anymore.

I'm taking safety and telling it to kiss my ass. There are things I need to finish in order for me to feel good about me. There are proverbial doors that need closing and space to rent out in my head for new ideas, likes, loves and experiences. I re-opened the first part of my How To Think Sideways course and bit by bit I will get it done this time. If not a whole novel then at least the course it's self will be completed and I can call myself a graduate of learning, and finishing something I set out to do. Doing one thing at a time I will beat safe. Self motivation is rising.

Free write

2009-08-18T16:38:00.001-02:30

This is my free write for today, it's Tuesday and it's raining outside damn I can't help but use the back space and fix my mistakes. It's been a long time since I've done this and I feel shamed that I let my fears get the best of me, I stopped writing, I stopped journaling and I let the thinking barriers win. I don't care what my mother wants me to do I am not going to cona. If I want to do the GED I will and it will be on my own time. I'm scared to sit in a class room where I can't do as I please. I don't want to face the chalk board of green doom and write until I cannot write anymore. I miss Julia and she's something else I fear. Fear fear fear, what really is fear? Does it not only have power unless we give it power? So why do I let it rule my life? The goal exorcises was startling I never knew how badly things affected me by not doing what I want to do. I am making myself miserable but I too can make myself better. I can grow and change, I can set realistic goals and I need to put forth the effort. Damn it I went back and corrected myself again. This does feel good, to just sit and type away. I give this page my worries, my fears and my anger.

I give this page my mistakes and everything I've been hiding from. This page can have it all because I don't need it anymore, I need sweet release. I'm feeling hungry and I wounder what's for supper? I had a great meal for myself last night and yes I am happy I didn't have to share it with anyone else who might object. I love cooking it makes me feel free. I think I should look up a really good blueberry muffin recipe and buy some then make them. I'm dying for cookies but I know I need to stop eating junk. I also need to go back to Wal Mart to get more vegetables.

Maybe the one with rice tastes better. I didn't like the veggies and olive oil. I think I got one apple out of my bag of five which is sad, also I kind of forgot about them. I'm glad I found a new show I can enjoy and that I can continue watching someone I have most of my life. Some parts of me still wish I had gotten into acting, I remember watching interviews and getting every little bit of information I could when they gave advice. I know how to make it, I have all the tools I need and if I don't I have the tools to find them. I need to want things, I need to want a lot of things for myself and for no one else. I deserve to be happy and this is my life. Come hell or high water I will write my Novel even if I have to go through tons of heart ache and wrist pain to do it. I need to do this for me because while not doing it I'm causing so much more harm then I could ever imagine. Even though the reasons by number of why I want to write were small they were more profound and meaningful then the reasons why I'm not writing already.

Bewere Of Girl.

2009-07-01T00:26:00.004-02:30

I got the rest of my story off my laptop so now I can put together what I had before and what I was writing the other night into one doctument. Is it normal to have a story tilte long before I even get into the meat of the thing?

Word count: 367

Total: 2137k

Wow, that's a lot more then I thought I had and that's pushing for ten pages.

Yesterday's Word Count:

2009-06-30T16:01:00.002-02:30

Come hell or high water I'm going to write this idea that has been beating me over the head since at least february. Writing a little a day consistinatly no matter what will get me there. This story just will not leave me alone now matter what I start to write it still comes to me and pops up now and then.

The Word Count for June 29th 2009: 251 words.
Total: 250 words.

I can do this, yes I can.

Writing Log: Writing Vs Depression.

2009-04-20T17:34:00.003-02:30

I feel like a kid pushing around her potato salad on a plate, no matter how much I adore potatoes I just can't bring myself to eat. It's the same way with writing right now. I love writing, everything about it and I don't care what it is, it makes me feel like I have a voice, a stronger one then my actual speaking voice and through this voice I have found myself. When the depression kicks in however I find myself blank on ideas, going towards that edge of writing something and never taking the plunge into the creative waters I know in my heart is where I belong, swimming merely along with the other writing spirits. I've been fully enjoying my writing course and doing tons of writing research but have been ignoring my novel, it's a great story at least I think so and it's starting to take shape in my mind but for the life of me I've been playing around my muse and letting my ideas get dusty inside my mind. I think this has to do with my depression, it sucks out your drive and leaves you feeling like there is no tomorrow which in a way should be true, you should really only look to today and make the best of it but in a world where your mind, hormones, and chemical imbalance make you feel like there is nothing but the dark to whisper into your ear and tell you all the bad things you have ever heard about yourself in your life is true, the voice that says your dreams will never come true. I have a hard time contorting my inner self, my thoughts and staying in touch with both my Muse and my Me. Sometimes I just feel like sleeping, sleeping for ever though my dreams have been nothing but odd other versions of my life which I make up in my mind.

I want the courage to move on from this point of seemingly no return, I want to feel the sun on my face, I want to go for long walks, I want to visit a beach and I want to feel inspired, feel driven and moved, feel the blood in my veins and my chest trying to cage my heart in before it explodes from beating to fast. I feel too much I am told, I feel too intensely and I feel without thinking things through. These are things I don't understand and feel I cannot help. What I think and what I feel may be two different things but for the most part I believe they are me and similar as possible, but in reality they are torn and apart. As much as the intensity seems to come out I want the feels to be real, I'm tired of fake friends, fake people, fake emotions and fake sympathy. I want to learn, I want to breath and I want to feel free from the doubt and darkness that hinders my being. I'm not sure really where to go or where to start but I think I know a lot more then I thought I did. My answers will come and as hard as it is I will stay some sort of positive in this life time of mine. There are many things I love, I found them and I see them every day. Love is more then a feeling it's a bond between you and the things that make life spacial. It's not just between one person and another it's the objects that make you feel comfortable like a blanket or an old chair you'd never be able to climb out of on a lazy day no matter how much you tired. Music is love for me, so are books, so is food, air and me. I am love and I am also the love I need. I need me more then anything or anyone else in the world because if there was no me then that would be in end. I think that scares me more then I ever knew before because finally I didn't care about me but now that I do? I'm terrified of life and of death at the same time so here I am standing still.

Web Log.

2009-04-19T05:32:00.000-02:30

I've come over to the dark side and created a blog. *looks around* Well isn't this quaint.